


The Heart Is a Muscle

by xo_marauders



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Comforting Remus Lupin, Depictions of injury, F/M, Hospital, Hurt Sirius Black, Hurt/Comfort, Intimacy, M/M, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape/Non-con Elements, Remus Lupin is a Good Boyfriend, Sad Sirius Black, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius Black Lives, not between Sirius/Remus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:34:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29634012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xo_marauders/pseuds/xo_marauders
Summary: Sirius and Remus have an important conversation about Sirius' past when they are trying to be intimate together for the first time and Sirius realizes just how much he loves Remus Lupin. There is lots of hurt/comfort, but the boys come out stronger in the end.I really suck at summaries, but if you want to basically know what this is about just go listen to "The Heart Is a Muscle" by Gang of Youths and you'll get it.*a second part has been recently added!
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Original Male Characters (past), Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 14
Kudos: 78





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> tw: referenced child abuse and graphic depictions of past non-con/rape between sirius and past relationships 
> 
> authors note: i realize that there are two other wip's i have promised to update, but some unexpected stuff has been going on in my life and so they have been pushed to the back burner. i am posting this work because i want to be able to post something for you all and writing a story that is more on the angsty side has helped me work through my own stress. i hope you enjoy <3  
> i am also thinking about posting several other parts to this story arc, perhaps before sirius and remus get together, but i'm not committing to that right now because of my lack of posting, but let me know anyway if that is something you all would be interested in.

He did not want to fuck this up. _God_ , he did _not_ want to fuck this up, but the way Remus was touching him with such delicacy and care made tears spring into his eyes. They were lying together, naked, and intimately so for the first time, and Remus had been so patient with him, so considerate of his boyfriend’s aversion to touch and ensuring that they would move at whatever pace Sirius was comfortable with. And Sirius wanted this and he wanted this _now_. But Remus was pulling away just as Sirius knew he would once he saw the tears streaming down his face. 

“No, no, no,” Sirius grappled at Remus’ shoulders, pulling him back so that they were chest to chest. Remus heartbeat was steady while Sirius’ heaved with nerves, but he would not let either of them pull away, he couldn’t. 

“Pads, we don’t—“

“But I want to, Moons. I really want to, I just...” He trailed off. He did not have the ability to voice ailments of past relationships at the moment. How touch used to mean pain and love was never involved during sex. He could not articulate all the ways in which he had been broken in the past. All he could do was cling to Remus and pray that he understood—that they were close enough for Remus to just know. 

“Not tonight, love.” Remus kissed his temple. “Let’s just lay together, okay? We can wait. It’s fine.” 

Remus pulled away and Sirius reluctantly let him go, feeling cold at the loss of Remus’ touch. A sob slipped past his lips and he brought his hands up to cover his face. He was mortified at the fact that he couldn’t be intimate with his own boyfriend, with his friend who had been in love with since childhood. He trusted Remus, and it was infuriating that past boyfriends had gotten in between them, that Remus had to deal with something he didn’t break, something that would never be fixed.

“Sirius, come here.” Remus said soothingly. He had gotten dressed back into his boxers and his shirt with the buttons still undone. He pulled Sirius up, letting his head rest in the crook of his neck as he cried. 

Remus had an idea of what Sirius’ past dating experiences had been, knew that he had been manipulated and abused both physically and emotionally but he had never pried for details. James had given him a stern talking to as soon as he and Sirius started dating, urging him to be patient and understanding while Sirius healed. Remus hadn’t planned on being anything other than supportive and made a promise not only to James but also to himself to treat Sirius with interminable care. 

“I’m sorry,” Sirius wept. 

“No apologizing.” Remus said. “You never need to apologize for this. Not with me, not with anyone.” 

He helped Sirius get dressed, giving him an old band shirt to lounge in so he’d be more comfortable. Sirius for his part seemed to be drained with his limbs feeling heavy as Remus adjusted their position on the bed so that Sirius was lying on his chest. It was silent between them aside from Sirius’ somewhat shaky breathing. Remus’ fingers danced up and down Sirius’ spine in a soothing gesture, wanting to ensure him that they were fine, that Remus wasn’t going to leave him over this. 

“My first boyfriend didn’t like when I said no.” Sirius muttered. Remus’ fingers stilled slightly as he took in the information. 

“Pads, you don’t have to explain—“

“I think I do.” Sirius interrupted. “I haven’t...I haven’t really talked about it. With anyone aside from my therapist. James knows because he’s the one who had to take me to the hospital, but he doesn’t _know_.” 

Sirius took a breath, composing himself a bit before continuing. Remus stayed quiet, allowing Sirius to take his time which he was grateful for. This was a difficult topic; one Sirius would have avoided the rest of his life if he could. But he loved Remus and he wanted to be able to be vulnerable with him. He wanted to be able to have this healthy relationship filled with communication and trust. 

“I didn’t understand at the time that what was happening to me was wrong. I didn’t know that sex wasn’t supposed to hurt. I didn’t know that consent was still needed when you were in a relationship. I was young and stupid—” 

“You are not stupid, Sirius.” 

“I thought he loved me.” Sirius whispered. “Or that he _could_ _have_ loved me if I just let him have me that way. If I didn’t argue with him, then he would love me. And even after things with him ended, I still didn’t learn. It wasn’t until James dragged me out of my other exes’ apartment with bruises covering my body and blood dripping down my thighs that I realized what I had gotten myself into. How twisted my perception of love was.” 

Remus gripped Sirius a bit tighter, his heart aching for the boy in his arms. How could anyone in their right mind even think about hurting him? Sirius was the sweetest, most giving person Remus had ever known and yet, it seemed as though life had delt him the poorest hand. Sirius never had a good example of what love looked like. His parents had been cruel beings, belittling and punishing Sirius over the smallest of things and constantly telling him how worthless he was. It really was no wonder as to why Sirius could not recognize such toxic behavior in his own relationships. He had been conditioned at a young age that any aggression shown towards him had been brought upon himself for disagreeing or arguing or simply being different than what was expected of him. 

“I’m sorry that you ever had to question what love was.” Remus said. He pressed a firm kiss to the side of Sirius’ head as he felt the smaller boy begin to tremble in his arms. “I promise you will never have to question my love for you and you will never have to do something that you don’t want to do. My love is unconditional, Pads.” 

“I wish I would’ve recognized my feelings for you sooner,” Sirius sobbed, his hands grappling at Remus like he was a lifeline and in a way he was. “I wish I could have seen what was right in front of me from the start.” 

Remus had wished that, too, a million times before. He wished he could have saved Sirius from all this suffering before it even happened, before either of them had to even think of having conversations like this. He was resentful of the fact that his relationship had been tainted by these other men along with Sirius’ own family and that the two of them had to deal with the consequences while those who inflicted the damage remained unscathed. Remus felt selfish sometimes whenever he thought like this, as if he were somehow betraying the love he had for Sirius by feeling these negative emotions. It was not like he would have loved Sirius more if he didn’t have such trauma, but Remus couldn’t deny that things would have been easier for the both of them if it simply hadn’t happened. And God, did he want things to be easy for Sirius. 

“You’ve got me now. We can get through this together.” Remus hummed. That was how they would move forward, how they would move on from the demons in Sirius’ past, how Sirius would finally start to heal. 

Sirius tilted his head up, bringing his lips to meet Remus’ in a soft, chaste kiss. It was nothing heated or even sensual, but it felt more intimate than anything to Sirius. Kissing Remus always felt sacred, like it was something to be kept a secret between the two of them, something to be protected from prying eyes. The warmth between them was enough to thaw the insecurities Sirius had, even if just for a moment. They were able to exist, just the two of them. 

“I love you more than anything in this world.” Sirius murmured when they parted. Remus smiled, his amber eyes seeming to glow in the darkness that surrounded them. 

“I love you, too. More than you know.” 

They may not have been able to lie together in the way Sirius had quite hoped for, but this felt like something big. This felt like love more than anything else. Sirius brought his head down and placed a kiss directly over Remus’ heart before relaxing fully into his lovers embrace, knowing that he would keep him safe and that Sirius would keep him safe right back. 


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the events before Remus and Sirius got together...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: graphic depictions of violence and rape !!!!
> 
> please please please take care of yourselves

Sirius sat on the hospital bed with his knees tucked against his chest as he pulled earnestly at his hair, tears streaming down his face. He felt sick, his stomach churning but he desperately fought the urge to throw up. He could hear James’ voice talking with the police about something, but Sirius’ ears were ringing too loudly for him to properly hear the conversation. Lily was there, her arms wrapped around him as she rocked him back and forth while whispering soothing words into his ear. 

He wasn’t even sure what had happened or why it had happened. All he remembered was fighting with Danny. Danny had hit him—harder than he ever had before—and then Sirius had found himself being pinned down while his boyfriend penetrated his body in a brutal and unprompted manner despite Sirius’ cries of pain and protest. He couldn’t even recall how he had even got to the hospital, but there he was answering questions the police were asking about his boyfriend. 

No, not his boyfriend. His rapist. 

“What do you mean there’s nothing you can do?” James shouted and Sirius flinched hard at the sudden anger in his best friend’s voice. It wasn’t directed at him, Sirius knew that, but it did not stop him from trembling violently in Lily’s arms. 

“Mr. Potter, we cannot arrest Daniel Harlock on accusations alone—” 

“Accusations?” James hissed, “Sirius is in the fucking hospital, beaten and bloody! What more proof do you need?” 

Sirius whimpered and pulled tighter on his hair. He wished he could just die. He would rather be dead than feel the complex emotions he was feeling at the moment. The pain, the emotional turmoil, the feeling of being betrayed by someone who was supposed to care about you was far too much for him to bear. 

“There will be a trial, Mr. Potter, but until then we cannot keep him detained. I’m truly sorry.” The police chief said, exiting the room before James could shout at him any longer. Sirius continued to sob as Lily rubbed small circles on his back. 

“Is Remus on his way?” James asked. 

Remus. The name bounced around in Sirius’ mind as he tried to comprehend who the _hell_ thought it was a good idea to drag Remus into this. And then he remembered pleading with Lily after the doctors had done their physical examination to _“call Moony, please, I need Moony.”_

__

“He should be here any minute.” Lily answered her boyfriend. Her slender fingers found their way to Sirius’ hair and was gently stroking it out of his face. His eyes were red and puffy and there were several bruises blooming across his jawbone. James just nodded and turned away, distracting himself by looking out the window. 

When James had gotten the call from a hysterical Sirius to pick him up, he had dropped everything he was doing and headed to his rescue immediately. It had been nerve-wracking to see Sirius hunched in on himself, bleeding and terrified in his own apartment and to hear the way he had screamed when James had put a hand on his shoulder to help him up. James had felt like he was sixteen again, his mind briefly thinking that the markings on his friends’ body were inflicted by Sirius’ twisted, bigoted parents. But then James had blinked and he wasn’t sixteen, he was twenty. And the bruises on Sirius’ body were not created by his parents but by his fucking boyfriend. James was angry that this kind of shit continued to happen to his best friend despite how good Sirius was. It wasn’t fair and James’ insides burned with rage and it took everything in him not to go and hunt down and punish Danny himself. Sirius had needed him. It would not help if James flew off the handle right now. 

“I came as quickly as I could,” A familiar voice said. Sirius glanced up to see Remus standing in the doorway of the hospital room, a look of worry and concern plastered across his face. Sirius wasn’t sure what exactly Lily had told Remus, if he knew the details of what had happened or if he knew nothing at all. 

“What happened?” Remus breathed as he made his way to the edge of Sirius’ bed, his eyes casting glances from James to Lily and then to Sirius himself. So, he didn’t know then. Sirius put his head on his knees and sobbed. 

“I’m so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid!” He grunted, his hands gripping his hair tightly. The pain was a nice distraction. 

“No, Sirius, you are not stupid.” Lily said calmly but firmly, “None of this is on you. None of it at all.” 

He could not disagree more. He should have seen it coming, but he didn’t. And now he was more broken than he had ever been in his entire life. It was his fault. Everything was always his fault so how was this any different? 

“Sirius, why on earth would you think that? What happened?” Remus asked gently, crouching down to look Sirius in the eye.

“He wouldn’t stop,” Sirius’ voice came out in sobs as he looked up at Remus, his eyes glossy from tears, “I—I tried to stop him but I couldn’t. He—he hurt me and he wouldn’t stop.” 

Sirius’ breathing became rapid and the machine monitoring his heart rate began beeping as he started to panic. It felt as though his heart was trying to pound its way out of his chest and his lungs could not fill with air fast enough. Everything was too much; it was just too much. Lily’s hands were suddenly morphing into Danny’s as Sirius spiraled into a full-blown panic attack. A few nurses filed in into the room and quickly went to work lying Sirius down on the bed, causing him to scream out in terror, feeling Danny’s hands instead of theirs. 

“No! No! Stop it! Please, stop! No!” 

James moved to help hold Sirius down as the nurses got a sedative ready. It broke his heart to see the fear in his best friends’ eyes directed toward him as he relived one of the worst memories of his life, unaware that it was James in front of him. As soon as Sirius was given the shot, he began to calm down and his eyes fluttered shut as he fell asleep. James let out a tired sigh and turned to face Remus. 

“Oh, Moony. You’ve missed so much.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading 
> 
> comments and kudos are always appreciated. 
> 
> not sure if i should continue to add parts to this story. let me know what you all think

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading  
> comments and kudos are always appreciated  
> come chat with me on tumblr @xomarauders


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